How To Be A Mainer

Every summer I conduct a class for tourists entitled, “How To Be A Mainer”. It’s a short class, and I conduct it in a variety of places – the local coffee shop, down at the local park overlooking the ocean, just about anywhere I encounter the nice people taking a vacation in Maine.

Last weekend, I held the class in the Concord Coach bus coming up the coast from Portland. I had gone to Portland to watch a minor league baseball game, and met the nicest folks on the trip back home… but they sure needed to know how to be a Mainer, and I was delighted to oblige them. They all “oohed” and ”aahed” in the right places, and laughed heartily at all my jokes, so they each received a passing grade.

It started when a middle aged gentleman from Kentucky asked if the waiting line we were in was for the bus to Damariscotta. I assured him it was, but informed him he was mispronouncing the name. I explained to him that it was really a simple name to say…. put all the emphasis on the first syllable, drop the second “a”, and you have it – DAM-ris-cotta. He thanked me, and asked, why do they have that extra “a” in the town name?

I looked him straight in the eye, and with a serious face, told him, “Well, life can be tough in Maine, so if that first letter “a” dies off ,by freezing to death, or by being eaten by a bear, then there’s another “a” right there to take over.” There was a moment of silence, and his face seemed to be saying what his mind was thinking – boy, these Maine people really ARE a little weird.

A lot of the class is just answering questions, and this year we have a new category of questions… How can I get to see some Down East dickering?

Now, if you watch the History Channel (Wed – 10:00pm), you know that “Down East Dickering” is their newest and best rated show. It’s a show about Maine bargain hunters (with heavy Maine accents, of course) who buy, sell, and swap stuff, using a local publication called “Uncle Henry’s”. “Uncle Henry’s” is a weekly publication that is really a state-wide collection of “folksy” classified ads.

I told them that all Mainers don’t talk like the guys on “Down East Dickering”, and even though not all Mainers are into dickering, you don’t have to go far to find some. I suggested they hang out at a convenience store, or a coffee shop, and keep their ears open. It shouldn’t take long before someone swaps a sturdy, wooden extension ladder for a days’ worth of labor, cleaning out an old barn… stuff like that.

They were so excited about the possibility of hearing some real dickering, I didn’t have to heart to tell them that “Down East” in Maine is not the entire state, but only Hancock and Washington Counties. I also didn’t tell them that the TV dickerers… Nate, Codfish, Turtle, Mitch, and the gang… don’t come from anywhere near Hancock or Washington counties. It would have broken their hearts if they knew that Yummy (another cast member) actually lives in Vermont.

The most fun came when someone asked me if the bus still made a stop at the Maine State Prison in Thomaston. I told them it did not, since the prison has been torn down and was moved to Warren, ME about 12 years ago. “Oh my”, the traveler from Sun Valley, Idaho replied, “I guess I’d forgotten how long it’s been since I’ve visited Maine.”

Instantly, another passenger asked, “Oh, I have a friend who lives in Warren. How far is that from Thomaston?” It’s about 4 “fers”, I told him. In unison, they all inquired, “What’s a “fer”? “Well”, I said, “It’s a form of distance measurement that’s sorta unique to Maine. First, you go to Thomaston. Then, you face to the west. Now, go as “fer” as you can see. Do that 4 times and you’re in Warren.” They LOVED it.

So, the classes are open to anyone. If you want to join us, my next class will be on July 14^th, when I travel to Portland for another minor league baseball game. If you want to join us, just be at the Concord Coach Bus Terminal at 7:00pm, and off we’ll go.

By the way, if you do come along, and want to assure yourself of a good grade, bring an apple for the teacher. I LOVE apples!